


Food Fight

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Food Fight, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, No Character Development, Starfleet Academy, Story within a Story, probably out of character, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 04:18:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10846311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Someone started a food fight in the academy mess hall and the Admiralty is surprised to learn who.





	Food Fight

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own star trek and after reading this you'll be glad I don't.

“Captain Pike, Captain Hudec, Dr. Boyce, you three are late. This is something I’d expect from Boyce and I might even forgive if it was just Pike but never in her entire career has One been late to anything. Mind explaining to the class what happened?” Admiral Barnett asked before he fully took in the state of the three officers he was scolding. 

Captain Christopher Pike looked the most put together though he had a distinctly uncomfortable look on his face. Following him, Captain Leigh “Number One” Hudec seemed fairly respectable aside from her dripping wet uniform that was stained brown. Doctor Philip Boyce looked the worst with lettuce in his hair and an alarming combination of ketchup and blood under his nose.

Captain Pike stood a bit more at attention before launching into an explanation, “At about 1215 a food fight broke out in the Mess Hall. Commodore Morgan is holding everyone who was present during the food fight and the argument that built up into the first incident.”

Pike was interrupted by Admiral Kormac. “Is this for witness statements? If so how has he identified those who might be useful?”

“He looked at the video feed and determined when the argument escalated to the point where it was drawing attention. He identified a Cadet leaving the room right as the female member of the argument stood from her seat. That Cadet plus everyone who left the Mess after him was called back to the Mess Hall and are now also in lock down.” Captain Hudec explained.

“The only reason Commodore Morgan let the three of us leave is because we told him we were late for a meeting here. He told us to tell you about the incident. He also said no one is leaving the Mess until an Admiral responds to the incident.” Dr. Boyce said finishing out the explanation.

Admiral Archer sighed. “How many witness reports are we talking about?” he asked.

Captain Pike shifted sheepishly. Captain Hudec answered for him.

“Before 1230 is affectionately named ‘first mess’ by students since half of campus has class then and after 1230 is called ‘second mess’ because those who ate during ‘first mess’ usually have a class during ‘second mess’.” Captain Hudec explained.

“The food fight broke out at the end of ‘First Mess’ meaning not only did we have cadets leaving but a large number of them were arriving. With the coming and going frequency due to the time of the food fight there’s about 1050 people in the Mess Hall who witnessed the incident. Most of them walked in then straight back out but Commodore Morgan is holding them as procedure dictates.” Captain Pike said.

Admiral Komac smirked at Captain Pike, “Three guesses as to who started it. My money is on Kirk, McCoy, or Mitchell.”

Captain Pike smirked back. “That’s a bet you’d lose,” he said. “Cadet Mitchell was the student who left the room right as the girl stood up. Cadet Kirk left five minutes before Mitchell.”

Doctor Boyce nodded. “The only reason Kirk is being held in the Mess hall is because he meets McCoy outside the Mess every Monday and Wednesday before his class and after McCoy’s. The two spend twenty minutes talking together before McCoy grabs lunch and Kirk heads to class. The only time the two change that routine is when Kirk’s running late or McCoy’s early. Then the two will grab lunch together before McCoy walks Kirk to class, that is if he’s finished eating.” The doctor explained to the admiralty.

At the admirals' questioning looks Captain Hudec sighed. “Chris and Phil have a tendency to stalk their advisees. They claim it’s for their advisees’ safety but the truth is they can’t mind their own business.”

The admiralty nodded and Captain Pike coughed. 

“Right, well,” Captain Pike started, “Today was an average routine day and at 1220 Kirk and McCoy go to split up. McCoy opened the Mess Hall door and said something along the lines of ‘Holy Shit’. Kirk came over to see what he was talking about and the two were on camera long enough that Commodore Morgan called them back to the Mess.”

“Not that it mattered much,” Doctor Boyce interjected, “Kirk’s Professor, Lieutenant Kendrew, was also trapped in the Mess. So, no our boys didn’t start the food fight. I don’t think you’d ever guess who did started the food fight.”

Admiral Nogura rolled his eyes, “Don’t keep us in suspense here! Tell us what happened.”

Captain Pike turned to Captain Hudec. Captain Hudec raise her eyebrow at her former commanding officer before she launched into the tale with an efficiency Captain Pike knew he didn’t possess. 

“Since it is of fascination to several members of the Admiralty,” Captain Hudec said, “I’ll start the story at 1200 when Kirk leaves the Mess Hall to meet McCoy. There are eight culprits of the food fight. Two, an arguing couple – for lack of better word, are sat at the opposite end of the same table as Captain Pike, Doctor Boyce and myself. The two were sitting at the very end of the table with the female sitting at the head of the table leaning in to see what the male was typing on his padd.

“At 1202 the male miscommunicates something and the female gets mad. The two then have a small and quiet argument but it is clear to anyone watching the two that whatever the communication error was, the male’s attempts to fix it were not working.

“At 1205 the female stands from her spot at the table and works her way to the opposite side as the male so she is now leaning into his face. At this time Cadet Mitchell leaves the Mess Hall.

“Between 1205 and 2015 the argument get progressively more heated. At 2012 the female leans forward into the male’s space and the male slides his chair back so as to allow himself more room. He unknowingly slides his chair back into the pathway of our third and most innocent culprit, a Commodore.

“At 2010 the Commodore stood to leave the Mess with her companion. She was turned back slightly to look at said companion when the male slid his chair back into her path. The Commodore, unaware of the male, turned fully to her companion, accidently elbowing the male in the back of the head. 

“The male, startled at the contact with the back of his head, shot forward in his seat forgetting about the female across from him. In an effort to avoid colliding with the female, the male leaned back in his seat once more. Clearly flustered at this point the male over corrected and ended up knocking his drink over. The drink spilled on the female who, already enraged at the male, picked up the male’s soup and dumped it on his head. This brings us to 1215.” Captain Hudec pauses to let the information sink it.

“Those were the first three culprits,” Captain Hudec said continuing the story. “The next five are clumped together in a sequence of events similar to the first three. When the female starts marching from the room, her roommate decided she had the right idea and shoves a Carnoa cake into the face of the Cadet who was harassing her. 

“The Cadet’s friend started laughing so the Cadet threw lasagna at him. The Cadet’s friend then threw a chicken leg back at the Cadet who ducked. The chicken hit a freshman in the back of the head. The freshman clearly had no idea why he was just hit and as he looked around the room in confusion an operations Officer yelled out ‘Food fight’. This would be about 1218 when everything fell into chaos.

“Once again since it seems to interest you, at 1220 Cadet McCoy enters the Mess Hall and says ‘Holy Shit’ thereby drawing Cadet Kirk’s attention. The two remain in the door way for two minutes before they turn around and leave.

“At 1225 Captain Pike has pudding shoved up the back of his shirt as the three of us attempt to leave the Mess. At 1227 a Cadet dumps soda on me and at 1232 Dr. Boyce got hit in the nose with a ketchup bottle.

“To put it in Chris’ terms, you’ll never believe who threw the ketchup bottle but it was the same person who shoved pudding up Captain Pike shirt. I’m not entirely sure how or when Dr. Boyce got the lettuce in his hair.

“At 1241 Commodore Morgan finally gets control of the room and locks it down. At 1250 he pulls up the security footage and by 1340 has everyone present during the food fight in the Mess Hall. At 1345 he released the three of us to report to you.”

The admiralty was speechless. Not even Admiral Komac had a comment to make. The first one to brush off his shock was Admiral Archer. “I think we’re going to need names,” he said, his voice wavering on a laugh.

Dr. Boyce, who took the story time to clean up the Ketchup-blood mixture on his face, answered.

“Fleet-Captain Robert April was the asshole throwing ketchup bottles and molesting people with pudding,” the doctor said. At the amused yet confused looks the admiralty gave him Boyce clarified, “I’m serious he coated his hand in pudding and slid it from the top of Chris’ waist band, up his back to his neck, and back down to the waist band.

“Anyway, your Commodore was Avia Talia. The Freshman was Cadet Kevin Riley. The operations officer was Archer’s boy Lieutenant Montgomery Scott. The Cadet who couldn’t take a hint was Cadet Sean Finnegan and his friend was Cadet Jason Hendorff, you know the guy Cadet Kirk calls Cupcake. The roommate was Cadet Gaila which means the female part of the argument was world class cadet and all around linguistic genius Cadet Nyota Uhura. The male she was arguing with? Yeah that was Lieutenant-Commander Spock.”

Every Admiral in the room was staring at the three dumbfounded.

**Author's Note:**

> This cut off abruptly but I have no clue what to do with is. I have no clue where this came from either but here you go!


End file.
